.....PNez!

…I wouldn’t go as far as considering my past personal experiences as abandonment issues. More like traumatizing moments of separation anxiety. As a result, I fall in love with people and groups of friends really fast, but once I realize it, I pull away before they do. I transform into this quiet, passive-aggressive kid who expects to be asked about what’s wrong, but when the time comes, I can only reply with, “I don’t know…” I hide behind silence. The truth is that putting myself through solitary confinement probably destroys my heart more than it preserves it. The truth is that I don’t have words to describe the darkness in my mind, the emptiness of my soul, and the void in my heart. The truth is that I am an addict when it comes to falling in love, but a mindless, selfish coward who has no idea of how to stay in love.

To anyone whom I’ve left behind in the course of my stupid personal habits: I’m truly sorry.

Lord, have mercy.

Do you know why sad formerly-with-a-loved-one songs are so good? Because the songwriters are so broken that their hearts do all the writing. Their brains forgets that there’s an audience and their hearts just overflows with so much effort to try and get over their exes. And I wish mainstream media popularized those songwriters that can just write with their hearts without fame tainting their brains. I wish more songs were more about love and less about sex, more on romance and less about exes… Because what we have is now. And frankly, I can’t help but think about how moments of my life are being wasted when listening to upbeat songs with degrading lyrics.

Do you know why it’s so easy for me to talk to God and pray out loud? Because I don’t have to worry about him judging me. Because I know that He listens and won’t tone me out when I tell a punch line wrong or have an irrelevant story or have an opinion on something. Because I know that even if I go to him screaming my head off for something petty and trivial, He won’t leave me to face my worst personal problem of separation anxiety alone. Being able to speak to Him in public and to be moved by the Spirit—to pray—is not a talent. It’s just me finally communicating all the things I can’t explain to another human soul. They are my irrevocably vulnerable thoughts and emotions, raw and fresh and ready to be captured by, in, and for His love. Anyone can do it. Especially YOU. Let go and let God. (Also, don’t lie. I know you thought of Twilight when you saw the title. Haha.)

Dear Nez,

If you don’t like being used at someone’s convenience… if you don’t like being set aside and then brought back to center stage for someone’s leisure… if you don’t like sending (text) messages to people and not getting a timely response… if you don’t like being second… Then change it. Starting with God. Don’t call on Him only when you want his help or need his blessings. Respond to His calls and messages. Put him first.

Thanks.

P.S. God is in everyone. Do to others as you would have them do to you. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.